The British Cure for Low Self Esteem

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In what has to be the biggest news to hit the entertainment industry since Studio 54 closed its doors, a recent study in the United Kingdom found that the British water supply is now contaminated with cocaine. This study follows other recent studies that found traces of cocaine on toilets in the House of Commons and on nearly every banknote in circulation. Cocaine has become so cheap in the U.K. that it is literally everywhere. Charlie Sheen was unavailable for comment as he pushed past a sea of travelers at LAX to board the first available flight to Heathrow.

Hot and cold running drugs has long been a fantasy of everyone who has ever been high, but as with every convenience, there are bound to be drawbacks. Cocaine on tap means access for everyone. As someone whose every friendship in college was based on the new potential friend’s ability to acquire drugs, I lament this change. A generation of college students will become shut-ins and miss out on the opportunity to make new friends in the bathroom at a party. The ability to cut clean lines with a credit card will become a lost art.

Worst of all, I won’t be able to identify drug users as easily. In today’s fast-paced, heavily-medicated world, nearly everyone seems coked out at one time or another. But there were always a few telltale signs: frequent trips to the bathroom, running an index finger over the gums in the middle of conversations, white powder on the nose. Now, the only clue we’ll have is frequent trips to the drinking fountain. And we’ll have to decide: is our new friend a cokehead, or just dehydrated?

We’ll also have to lose the international signal for “how about some coke”: a subtle finger tap on the nose. Simulating drinking a glass of water won’t do, that’s pretty much the signal for “my wife has been drinking; please excuse her racial epithets.” We could work out a pantomime version of sticking our heads under the faucet and lapping away, but that seems like it would call too much attention. Likewise, saying the phrase “I’m going to the water fountain,” and winking will fool no one.

These were my thoughts when I first read the headlines about cocaine in British drinking water. I assumed we’d enter a whole new world of communication and networking based on a shared and readily available supply of drinkable drugs. But then I read more about the report in question and discovered the truth: The amounts of cocaine in the drinking water are much too small to affect anyone. Cocaine isn’t on tap. No one’s getting high in the shower. There are trace amounts of metabolized cocaine, just like there are trace amounts of arsenic, cyanide, mercury and many other chemicals. You can drink British tap water by the gallon and never get high. I’m sure you’re disappointed. But your disappointment is nothing compared to the disappointment of Mister Charlie Sheen. What is he supposed to do with twelve hundred kiddie pools?

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Ryan Callahan

Ryan Callahan is a writer, director, and sandwich enthusiast. Ryan believes that taking care of the environment is important because that’s where the animals live. Animals make the best parts of the sandwich.

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