A Second Option for Number Two


Dear Reader, I have a confession to make: I’m responsible for killing the planet. I know, I know, this is hard to believe and even harder to process. Trust me, I’m as shocked as you. I only found out about my reign of destruction today. It appears I’ve been doing it my whole life. And I don’t know how to stop. You see, each time I visit the bathroom and choose, um, option two, I’m wasting valuable paper thus killing trees thus heating up the world thus making the Earth unlivable for future generations. I am a monster.

Thankfully, help has arrived. The BioBidet BBC-70 will allow me to handle my, um, business and save the world at the same time. And it’s only $39 (including shipping.) At that price, I can’t afford not to buy it. But the savings to my wallet are nothing – nothing! – compared to the savings of my soul.

According to the product copy, this “affordable bidet easily attaches under your existing toilet seat to provide an easy-to-use, hygienic, therapeutic and eco-friendly alternative to toilet paper.” That all sounds great, anonymous product copy, but I have a few questions. Like, is the BioBidet easy to use? You only mention it twice in the same sentence. How can I be sure? And, product copy, it feels like you’re trying to sell me a little too hard on the benefits of the spraying water all over myself after I use the toilet.

I’ll grant you that washing my backside after evacuating my bowels might be slightly cleaner than wiping it with dry paper, even if the latter choice is the American way. (If it’s good enough for John Quincy Adams, it’s good enough for me.) And I’ll even agree that there might be some eco-benefits to using a bidet. I suspect I’d use slightly less toilet paper and kill perhaps one fewer tree over the course of my lifetime. I’ll still have to use toilet paper, obviously. Unless you want me to walk around with a wet butt all day.

But do you really expect me to believe that spraying my backside with toilet water will have therapeutic benefits? I thought better of you, anonymous product copy. Here’s a conversation that will never happen: “You know, Bill, I was down in the dumps after my divorce. Broke, alone, sad all the time. To be honest, I thought about ending it all. But then I started spraying water up my butt after I pooped. Goodbye gray skies, hello blue!”

You’re not talking to a rube here. I’ve traveled. I’ve been on a boat. I’ve seen bidets. I know that a bidet is a device separate from the toilet. You use the toilet and you move over to the bidet and clean yourself off. This BioBidet is something different. It’s a little device that attaches to your toilet, with a little hose to clean you off. One look at this thing and I have a question: Where am I supposed to poop? There’s a little hose right in the middle of the toilet. Am I supposed to take the BioBet off when I poop and reattach it when I’m done? (I realize that’s two questions and I said I only had one. But you promised me that your product would change my life, BioBidet people. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE LIED TO?) Either way, I’m doing a lot of work while pooping or doing a lot of cleaning after pooping. Neither choice works for me.

So really the only benefit of the BioBidet is the cost. I probably spend $100 a year on toilet paper. With the bidet, I’d save some money. But if money is all I care about, there are other options. In fact, while researching this article, I found a product that offers the same benefits of a bidet, but at a fraction of the price. It’s called a garden hose and I can find one at any Home Depot in town. The hard part will be convincing a friend to come over and operate the hose. I’ll need someone trusting, someone discrete and someone with great aim. Any suggestions?

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Ryan Callahan

Ryan Callahan is a writer, director, and sandwich enthusiast. Ryan believes that taking care of the environment is important because that’s where the animals live. Animals make the best parts of the sandwich.

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