Cover your eyes, kids-it’s about to get weird.
Cadbury Eggs: While they do not contain beaver butt juice, it has been widely reported that they might contain the actual castor sacks from the beaver where the butt juice is created. Yep. Beaver Butt Bags. They are dried up, ground up, and listed as “natural flavoring”. You know, even though I took a poke at vegans in the original article, I’m starting to think you guys have the right idea. What is the tofu taco situation looking like? Is it a viable taco replacement option? Is whiskey vegan friendly?
Peeps: This delicious little marshmallowy treats contain gelatin. Gelatin is made with collagen, and according to my nighttime anti-wrinkle age-defying rejuvenation facial mask, collagen is all natural and good for my skin. It should be good for my skin considering it’s made with skin … and intestines, and hooves. I guess I could just skip that step, and let a horse kick me in the face, that should get rid of a few wrinkles … due to the swelling.
Jelly Beans: Jelly beans are coated in shellac that makes them shiny. Lots of candies are coated in shellac actually. The same shellac that is used for sealing wood. Shellac is made from the dried secretion of the female Lac beetle. Yep, Beetle Butt Goo. Apparently the secretions are also part of the mating cycle for the Lac beetle, so to up production, they feed the beetles red wine and blare Barry White’s greatest hits to get the lady bugs all sexed up. Okay, that last part is pure conjecture, but I think it’s a brilliant idea. I’m considering getting into the Lac beetle game, and becoming the Scarface of Beetle Butt Goo.
Once again, here I am not wanting to be the delivery man of another sweet treat bombshell. I will be the first to say that this is not fun for me either. In fact, I had a few peanut M&M’s on my desk while I was writing this, and when I got to the shellac part, I glanced down and saw how shiny they were. I’ve reacted less violently to live spiders, and live spiders make me pee a little. It’s a burden I’ve chosen to shoulder because the “Natural Flavoring” banner is hiding these weird ingredients in our food every day. So please, please, please don’t shoot the messenger people…
Begrudgingly, I slipped this article under the nose of our editor and slinked quietly back to my 6 foot by 8 foot man cave in the back room of our office and waited for the inevitable reaction. It came. Not in the form of the usual edits, but in hysterical laughter and horror from the others who ply their trade here at Earth911. Usually, if I can get anything other than a glare from our wonderful editor, Aaron Styles, I consider it on par with a unicorn sighting. In this case, I got a single grunted sentence: “Take the Beaver out of the bucket, and put bunny ears on him”.