ByJustin Gammill

May 30, 2014

Mullet Fish_113082799
OK, people. It’s got to stop. This pollution thing has gotten smooth out of hand …

We’ve had plenty of warning and we’ve ignored it. Sure, the Chinese have to chew their air before they can breathe it. Sure, there is an island of trash in the Pacific Ocean the size of Texas. Sure, the Dan River is a toxic sludge pit thanks to a coal ash spill. I knew all of these things and I raised my voice a few octaves to point them out. Well, after the article that I read earlier this week, I’m not shouting … I am screaming at the top of my lungs until my larynx bleeds.

Right now off the coast of Spain, there is an environmental crisis that rivals even the most pressing eco-issues facing our planet. Because of industrial waste and residual chemicals from water treatment plants, the male thick-lipped grey mullets are facing irreversible consequences of our wasteful ways. I’m not only shocked because the male thick-lipped grey mullet is my favorite of all of the male mullets; I’m shocked because they are turning into females.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a female thick-lipped grey mullet. I’m not one of these sexist fish people that think that the female thick-lipped grey mullet’s place is in the kitchen, or that they shouldn’t be able to vote or own land. I’m saying that the feminization of the male of the species is catastrophic. We saw evidence of this as humans during the “metro-sexual” phase amongst our own species in the early 2000’s that lead to things like male hair products and man-purses.

I’ll go ahead and admit it: I got a little caught up in the initial metro-sexuality craze. Yes, I got a manicure. Yes, I experimented with hair products. Yes, I even broke out the garden weasel and had a very awkward attempt at “man-scaping” that left three people hospitalized and cost me a fortune in therapist bills. But when it comes to my beloved male thick-lipped mullet, I can’t bear the thought of them shaving their little fish beards and trading in their fish boots in for sporty fish loafers.

You know at first, I didn’t want to believe the reports. I scoffed at the idea that endocrine-disrupting products like deodorant or birth control pills making their way into the thick-lipped grey mullet’s waterways was responsible for the identity crisis. I thought maybe they got ahold of a copy of “Dallas Buyers Club” and saw how fantastic Jared Leto looked in a dress. I know I slowed my pace walking by the Misses section at Target a few times after I saw the movie, but never committed to taking the leap into drag-queendom. It was a confusing situation for a lot of us …

I, for one, will not stand idly by while my precious mullets are poisoned into the same confusion, let alone the fact that they are beginning to develop ovaries – that is just flat out awkward. I fear that if this problem isn’t addressed immediately, there will be no more male thick-lipped grey mullets left to chop fish wood, or work on fish cars. The few remaining males will constantly be pestered by the females to take out the trash and fix things around the fish house. There is only so much a mullet can handle and for their sake and their sanity I implore the people of Spain to work together before it’s too late.

Now I am no scientist, activist or any kind of “ist” for that matter, but there is a real opportunity for change here. The main culprits of the pollution: deodorant and birth control pills. These two products have the ability to off-set one other. If people stop using deodorant, the birth control pills become irrelevant. Think about it; it’s a coastal climate, everyone will smell like feet and the need for chemical contraception will be nullified. I beg of you, Spanish people, cast your deodorants aside! But don’t do it for me … Do it for the male thick-lipped grey mullets …

By Justin Gammill

He is "stealthy like a ninja at midnight, yet brazen like a champion Mexican fighting chicken". Justin Gammill approaches his topics in a manner that provokes thought, laughter, and the occasional “did he just say that?”. Chances are, yes, he most certainly did just say that. So, buckle up … you never know where the train of thought is going.