ByRyan Callahan

May 27, 2014

It’s a familiar story. A group of arrogant scientists create a new form of life, ostensibly to make the world a better place but to increase profits. At first, the new creation does what it should; people are happy and life is swell. But eventually the plan backfires. The very thing designed to help humanity turns against humanity. Once the hunters, we become the hunted. We fall from masters to slaves. You probably think I’m talking about a movie like The Matrix or The Terminator. Nope. This isn’t science fiction. This is real life. This is the story of GMO kings Monsanto, their Roundup resistant crops, and the mutant superweeds rampaging across America.

Round about 20 years ago, Monsanto started modifying crop seeds (cotton, corn, soybeans) to be resistant to glyphosate, an herbicide Monsanto produces and sells under the brand name Roundup. Now I’m not going to get into the whole debate about whether GMO crops are good or should be avoided at all costs. There’s enough research out there for you to make your own decision. It’s your mouth. Fill it however you please. I’m not about to tell you what you should eat. When I was in college, I would order a large white pizza for dinner, along with a side of French fries and a cup of blue cheese. I’d drop a handful of fries on a slice of pizza, roll the pizza around the fries like a burrito and dip the whole thing in the blue cheese. I have no authority to tell someone how to eat. I like to end that story by mentioning that I did not date much in college.

All these years later and a funny thing has happened. Apparently, spraying weeds for decades with a single herbicide results in the weeds being resistant to that very herbicide. As anyone who was watched Jurassic Park will tell you, life finds a way to adapt. Thanks to Monsanto’s Round Up Ponzi scheme, over 60 million acres of crops in the South and Midwest are overgrown with Roundup resistant superweeds.

These superweeds are bad news. They stand over eight feet tall and their freakishly strong roots can ruin farm equipment. That’s right, these weeds are fighting back. It won’t be long until they learn to walk on their own and think on their own or before they begin to plot and plan. It won’t be long before they rebel. Let’s be honest, when the superweeds come to get us, we won’t stand a chance. The war will be over in weeks.

What will happen when the superweeds take over? Will they write a new Constitution on dried human skin? Will they pluck or heads off and throw our lifeless bodies in the air to see which way the wind blows? Will they roll us up and smoke us? The horror.

Will our new plant overlords make us fight each other in gladiatorial style combat? If so, will we have weapons? If we get weapons, can I get that net and trident combination? And a gun? A gun would be nice. I’m not dying today, you green bastards!

But it’s okay, guys. Monsanto has a plan! They’re developing a new strain of crops resistant to the older herbicides. Now the farmers can spray these more dangerous toxins all over their plants, sending those superweeds to Grass Heaven. There’s no way this can end badly, right? Unless the weeds adapt.

Oh, boy.

I’m going to start pricing tridents.

By Ryan Callahan

Ryan Callahan is a writer, director, and sandwich enthusiast. Ryan believes that taking care of the environment is important because that’s where the animals live. Animals make the best parts of the sandwich.