I sighed deeply, and hung up the phone. I was left alone with my own thoughts and a deep sense of being misunderstood. My beautiful selectively lactose intolerant girlfriend had just rather viciously cursed me for ruining her perfect vision of vanilla ice cream. I argued my point that I wasn’t making outrageous claims based on senseless rumors. I also argued that the point of the article wasn’t that there was actually beaver butt juice in our creamy treats, but that food companies can get away with listing things like beaver secretions under the umbrella of “natural flavoring”. She said it did not matter. She said we could never go to Sonic again … not even for tater tots.
I wasn’t trying to ruin ice cream. I was simply trying to inform. I sniffled a little and picked my chin up. “I will not be beaten by beaver butt juice”, I said quietly, further annoying the other people around me. I clenched my fists with renewed vigor, and while pumping my right fist in the air, I loudly declared “Beaver Butt Juice Will Not Win!” It was at that point that I was asked to leave the restroom, and told to never come back to that particular Home Depot.
“I will not be afraid of the truth”, I reminded myself as I sat down to type this article. Why? Because I am willing to sacrifice Sonic’s tater tots to expose the weird things that go into our simplest confectionary treats. The timing for this endeavor is not by accident either. With Easter right around the corner we are going to be tempted by seasonal treats like Cadbury Creme Eggs, Peeps, and pastel colored jelly beans.
Cover your eyes, kids-it’s about to get weird.