ByJustin Gammill

Apr 25, 2014

In keeping true to our analytical findings on this site, we’ve found that the more disturbing an article is – the better traction it gets. Beaver Butt Juice 1 and 2 were perfect examples of these findings, and if there is anything our editor Aaron Styles loves; it’s positive analytics. That being said, when he quite literally is singing and skips gleefully across our office with a news story in his hand, I know my morning is about to get weird …

Not as weird as it’s going to get for Wichita Falls, TX, thankfully, where city officials are asking state regulators if they can use waste water for drinking water. Yep, you read that correctly. Not grey water, but full on – straight from the toilet – black water. I know one town I’ll be driving way the hell around on any travels through North Texas.

Okay, first thing first. Ewww. Poo water. I have a toilet in my laundry room that is totally off limits for any #2 related activity simply because I have an irrational fear of some very ambitious poo particulates making their way into my dryer, and somehow giving me full-body pink eye. You may think pink eye is a joke, unless you’re Bob Costas in Sochi with a swollen head. Ambitious poo particles took out Bob Costas and left us with that weasel Matt Lauer, and thus, ruined our Winter Olympics broadcasting. Poo particles are evil speckles of Hell’s ceiling dust from which no good can escape. Don’t tell me not to be afraid of them, and keep them out of my water …

“But the water is totally safe”, says the water purification people.

That statement brings to mind a safety speech I once heard from a skydiving instructor that was so high I was surprised he tied his own shoes, let alone packed a parachute in a manner that wouldn’t involve my body bouncing off of an unsuspecting parcel of prairie grass. It was the 13th or 14th time he said, “It’s totally safe, bro” that I concluded that it was “totally not safe, bro”. The harder you try to sell me something that is clearly sketchy, the sketchier it probably is. Needless to say, I didn’t fall out of a perfectly good airplane that day.

What really baffled me was when the city authorities released a statement about reusing waste water, they said they are “considering” enforcing “rare” outdoor watering restrictions, swimming pool restrictions and car washes, in regard. Considering?! Rare?! Why weren’t these regulations put in place three years ago when you realized you were in a drought? Apparently swimming pools, golf courses, and landscaping are much more important than not having a visit from Mr. Hankey, from South Park when you twist your tap water valve. How’s that swimming pool going feel when you are drinking poo water? I can just imagine someone saying “Wow, your yard sure looks nice, much nicer than poo-free water tastes, that’s for sure!” or “Wow Bob, the BMW sure is clean, excuse me while I go boil some pasta in my own feces.”

If these people are the least bit bothered by their poo water predicament, they need to read a book. The book is called “Welcome to West Texas, It’s Dry”. Maybe then they’d learn a lesson about being wasteful, and what your priorities should be. Do not cry outrage about drinking water conditions from your lush front yard with your spotless SUV in the driveway. Put your vanity and your impulses aside, and think, “Gee, what are the things I really need clean water for?” Why not just put a sign in your front yard that says “Sorry my grass is dead, water is more important to me than you judging my front yard as you drive by”, or a sign next to your empty pool that says “Sorry our pool is empty, we are trying to save the LAKES that fill it?” I’m going to guess that’s probably too much to ask of people. We are far too important to think about silly little things like drinking water. Right up until the day it comes from your toilet.

By Justin Gammill

He is "stealthy like a ninja at midnight, yet brazen like a champion Mexican fighting chicken". Justin Gammill approaches his topics in a manner that provokes thought, laughter, and the occasional “did he just say that?”. Chances are, yes, he most certainly did just say that. So, buckle up … you never know where the train of thought is going.